$100,000 Affair

At times they don’t even have to ask, men just do stupid shit thinking it might impress a lady.  I myself have personally flown half way around the world simply to see a girl because she asked me to. Shit, I’m in fucking beauty school right now because my (very recently) ex-girlfriend thought it would be a good fucking field of study for me… I fucking hate hair. I don’t even know what the fuck to do with my own, let alone the rest of the fucking world’s. And why? Because she has tits, an ass, a pair of eyes to die for and fucks like there is no tomorrow? And for that, I sold myself to the fucking Aveda Institute because SHE thought it was a good idea.  Now, before I go off on my own pissed off tangent and since we are on the subject of the power pussy holds over mankind, let me happily introduce my guest, the gold medalist of making men do stupid shit, Ms. Jane Dough. 

For this EZ Lovers Issue I intend to tackle the question that losers that can’t get laid have been asking girls for years.  How much would I have to pay a girl to fuck me?
 
One girl’s answer:  $100,000

Her name I will keep anonymous, we’ll just call her “Jane Dough”, her occupation: massage therapist. Jane is beautiful. She is 26 years old and banging. The kind of girl you see on the street and go “Daaaaaayyyyum”. Or think is out of your league at a bar until you’ve had about nine Pabsts. This is the girl that strings dudes along for free dinners and expensive jewelry and gets whatever she wants without even throwing ‘em a bone (unless you have the right price). She comes from a good family out west, upper middle class, mom was a school teacher, dad owns a fairly well known franchise of hardware stores, Christian upbringing, you know, the works. She is a college graduate, a dancer, and an actress. She moved to NY three years ago to pursue her career and started part-timing as a massage therapist, well to be fair, she did massage men in her underwear.  Now why would she decide to become a hooker at this stage of her life? Doesn’t she have everything going for her? Doesn’t she have enough money? Is she on drugs  Is she a sex addict? 

Well, I was fortunate enough to sit down with this bird and ask her a few questions, let’s find out.  And all you losers out there with 100 grand get a pen and start taking notes.

Frank151: Foregoing all of the moral, legal and socially relevant questions, let’s get down to what people really want to know. How was the sex?
Jane Dough: God! It was shitty, probably the worst sex I’ve ever had, the guy came in like two minutes. 

F151: Were you seeing dollar signs the whole time?
JD: I was just trying to get it over with, I was mad at my boyfriend, I don’t really remember…

F151: You loved that shit.
JD: What?

F151: So, cash, money order, personal check, credit card…what do you take?
JD: I don’t “take” anything. He paid in cash, upfront.

F151: What’s $100,000 in cash look like?
JD: Pretty and green.
   
F151: So who was the trick? Was he a random or did you guys already have some form of a relationship established?
JD: He is a stockbroker out of Miami. He started as a massage client of mine when I was working with this erotic massage company here in Manhattan. He booked appointments with me every time he was in the city, and had always offered me more money to have sex, it was kind of pathetic. But if he’s dumb enough to pay it…

F151: So he offered you 100 grand and you were just like “lets do this” and blazed him? How did this work exactly?
JD: No. Like I said, he had been offering for a while and I always said no because he is kind of gross and I had a boyfriend and stuff.  Anyway, he kept offering and told me to call him if I ever changed my mind. Finally, I found out that my fucking boyfriend had been cheating on me with some ghetto bitch from Harlem, and had been doing so for like a year…aaaaahhh! I fucking hate him. So that was it. I called this guy up and was like, “do you still want me?” He said “yes”. So I was like, “I’ll do it for 100 grand.” That night he flew up from Miami and I met him at The Hyatt.

F151: And then he banged you out?
JD: Well… yeah, I guess… I made him give me the money first, then I fucked him for like 2 minutes, he came and I left... left rich.

F151: What did you do with the money? Buy smack? Hair products? Make investments? Gucci?
JD: Well I saved most of it. I went to Europe, mostly just saved it.

F151:  Do you plan on using any of it for therapy?
JD: I am 100% secure with what I did.

F151: I mean do you feel hollow inside, or do you feel like you got away with a bank robbery?
JD: I don’t feel anything. It was four minutes of my life and I got $100,000 not really a big deal.

F151: Not a big deal if your morals aren’t intact. You don’t feel, you know, like a whore?
JD: No, I feel rich.

F151: Not even a little bit?
JD: NO! I did what I did that’s it! People do it all the time. If a man did it all his friends would be giving him a high five. 

F151: Whatever you got to tell yourself I guess huh?
JD: How much money do you have in your bank?

F151: Around a grand….would you do it again, for less?
JD: God…

F151: I’ll bang you for five bucks.
JD: (Hangs up phone.)

Well, for all you stock brokers out there who can’t get laid, keep pounding Wall Street and with enough cash you could be pounding a Jane Dough.